Write Your Final Chapter Like There’s No Tomorrow

When my father died in 1995 and we were planning his funeral, I was astounded to find that he had written his own obituary.

He had placed it with some of his documents in a way that it couldn’t be missed. I have now discovered that some years earlier my brother Dave and his wife Linda had stopped to see our folks and found them busily writing their obituaries, with my mother Bea typing them up on a manual typewriter.

So when each of them died, all we basically had to do was fill in the date of death. Dad Juneau even included his photo and a note with the Bible verses and hymns he wanted used at his funeral. The Old Rugged Cross was one of them.

Who does this? I mean, other than my mom and dad. Juneau was a teacher, so was always planning ahead, I guess. I know some high school teachers had students write their own obituaries as an exercise. Writing a practice obituary may have been a good way to get students to realize just how ordinary their lives were at that point and get them to buck up and make something of themselves.

I don’t think Juneau had any of his students write their obituaries even though he taught biology, which is the study of life (and death). I think he would have gladly written obituaries for a few of his students if it meant that they would go away.

So, have you written your obituary? I haven’t either. Maybe we’re afraid we’d see our lives as boring and that there isn’t enough time or energy left in our lives to do anything about it. Maybe we don’t want to brag about ourselves. Juneau’s obit was just the facts. No embellishments, as befitting a proper Norwegian.

The way obituaries are handled has changed over the years. A simple death notice in the paper can be cheap or even free. An obituary includes a charge. They are usually solemn and fact-based, like my dad’s.

But now, since a funeral is often called a celebration of life, why not celebrate your life by writing your own and say whatever you want? My attorney wife Catherine says it’s a good idea to write your obituary as part of estate planning so you get the facts straight. Otherwise, you’ll be trusting your family to piece your timeline together. You know what I mean?

They might make you look like a saint. But maybe you don’t want that. Maybe you want to be remembered as a rebel. Where others might refer to you as “a free spirit,” you might just say that you “tested the limits of society” and include a tidy list of your arrest record.

There are online tools and services to help you write your own obituary (or someone else’s). You can also hire a professional obit writer, people who write about the dead for a living. There is even a Society of Professional Obituary Writers, which awards Grimmys at ObitCon, their biennial conference. They have a number of Grimmy categories, including Best Obit of an Ordinary Jane/Joe and Obituary Writer of the Year. Writing obits is serious business, apparently.

Large newspapers such as the New York Times have full-time obit writers. They primarily write “dailies” (obits for breaking news deaths). But in their spare time they write “advances” (pre-written obits) so when the time comes only the when, where, and how of the death needs to be added to “put the top on it.” They may even interview the subject to get input while they can. Sometimes the writer dies before the subject of an advance obit does and the dead writer’s byline is still used.

I read an obituary in a Twin Cities newspaper awhile back that looked suspiciously like it was written by the now deceased. After the usual list of family members and career info, the following was said about him, paraphrased here:

“Died after a courageous battle with life. . . mentor to some, tormentor to others, iconoclast to all. In his next life he wants to return as a beloved satirist or an insurance claims adjustor . . . whichever has better health coverage.”

The internet is full of examples of self-written obituaries. Many are funny, which seems to be the whole point of writing your own. Here are some more examples from self-written obituaries.

“If you’re reading this, I must have died.”

“I was born; I blinked; and it was over.”

“Ding dong, the witch is dead.”

My favorite obituary is part of an Ole and Lena joke.

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, “You yust put “Ole died.””

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, “That’s it? Just “Ole died?” Surely, there must be something more you’d like to say about Ole. If it’s money you’re concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more.”

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, “O.K. You put “Ole died. Boat for sale.””

All of this is giving me ideas for my own obituary. I might start it out with:

“Remember me? I’m the guy who wrote a column about obituaries a while back. Well, you’ll never guess what happened . . .”