The Annual Report From Planet Johnson

Mid-bite during a third dinner of leftover Thanksgiving turkey, I suddenly froze.

“We have to get the Christmas cards sent out,” I whispered, mostly to myself. Catherine heard enough of it to look at me and ask, “What are you mumbling about now?”

That started the annual frantic discussion about who has to do what. Did we get a good family group shot recently? Where is it? Do we have the mailing list up-to-date? Do we have holiday printer paper for the letter? Do we have address labels for the printer? How many photo cards should we order? Where should we get them this year? Vertical or horizontal? We need stamps. Do we have enough of those free return labels we get in the mail asking for donations? 

One question we don’t have to ask is if we should just email the family greeting or post it on Facebook and be done with it. The answer to that has always been no. We would still need to mail cards to those who don’t even have a computer, let alone know how to use one. Maybe future generations will do this, but not ours.

There is never any question about who will write the Christmas letter. That would be me, of course, first and always. And as much as I like to write, this is one exercise I can do without. The only good things about it are that it must be no longer than one page (my rule) and you can just use last year’s letter as a template, updating it with this year’s adventures.

The hard part is determining what was an adventure that the recipient would find interesting. For me, a trip to the dentist for a cleaning is an adventure. A trip to Iowa is usually as exciting as it gets around here, and while that trip may have been enjoyable, it’s pretty hard to express that in one or two sentences to a crowd that views trips to any contiguous state as pretty lame.

It’s also not enough to just change dates and ages. For example, if Little Jimmy was nine last year it’s cheating to just change his age in the one sentence about him: “Jimmy is 10 and loves playing soccer.” You have to say something new like “Little Jimmy didn’t break any bones this year.”

Why even bother with a Christmas card? A lot of people don’t and many just send cards with their signature scribbled on them. Some just have the name already printed on the cards. I don’t even read those. At least include a picture of your dog or parakeet or something interesting. I get a kick out of the cards we receive after Christmas that were no doubt sent because they received one from us.

Then there are the story-tellers whose kids are saving the world. They often dedicate a whole page to each kid, even if they are approaching 30. “Francesca won first place in the Barrel of Fun Days talent show with her rendition of ‘I Hate Men’ from ‘Kiss Me Kate.’” Darien’s page might highlight his rock collecting skills. “Our budding geologist Darien added numerous beautiful agates to his vast rock collection from his trip to the North Shore last summer.”

Many people have developed a talent for turning their kids’ failings into positive statements. “Anthony’s recently stabilized demeanor makes us more confident than ever that he will soon find that perfect job he’s been looking for.”

As painstaking as it can be to write a one-page letter listing your accomplishments and adventures over the last year, people like to read them. Just make them interesting. Don’t mention shirttail relatives, especially by first name only. “We had a fun two weeks at Vern and Lacey’s cabin in Nebraska last March.”

I applaud those who may send a signed card but also include a personal handwritten sentence or two. I admit that mine are more of an assembly line production and not specifically personal to each recipient. But I’m just not going to write a personal note to each of 100 recipients. 

And get the cards sent out on time. We received one converted to an Easter card one year. I try to get the cards out so people receive them by mid-December. If your card is in the huge pile that arrives right at the last minute, it ends up in a festive basket to read in the days after Christmas when we can relax a bit.

Catherine is careful to compare the return address on each envelope to update any changes on our master mailing list. We’ve made handwritten address changes when we receive a card with a new address just as we’re about to send ours out.

Once the assembly line is set up we fold each letter and stuff them with a photo card into an envelope, sealing them with a swipe of the moistener pen. I’m not lick-sealing 100 envelopes, I can tell you that. Stick on the address labels, return labels and stamps and they’re good to go. I get a lot of stares at the drive-up line to the post office mailboxes as they watch me shove handfuls of letters into a tiny slot, trying to not drop any in the dirty snow.

Done with that festive task for another year, I drive home to start my next adventure locating the many boxes of Christmas decorations and the Christmas tree, ready for assembly. And the seasonal fun continues.