Get Ready for Tourists, Minnesota

Here they come.

The curious tourists and journalists, I mean. Ever since Tim Walz became the vice president’s running mate, Minnesota has been put on the national stage.

References on national TV seem to indicate that we are a northern hick state with a claimed 10,000 lakes and sky-blue waters. Our hero is assumed to be Paul Bunyan. We’re expected to always be cold. No one notices when we have a string of days with a heat index over 100. Probably because they have it worse.

We are so out of mind that “Minnesota” doesn’t even show up as a word completion option in Microsoft Word. It thinks I’m trying to spell Minneapolis.

Minnesota is the North Star State, the furthest north in the continental US, one of the guardian states of fly-over-land’s northern border, keeping the hordes of illegal immigrants out. So now, for a little while at least, Minnesota attractions might gain some attention.

This includes things we’re familiar with but not the rest of the country. You know, things like the World’s Biggest Ball of Twine (built by a single person), Mall of America, Minneapolis Sculpture Garden (complete with a cherry on a spoon), the source of the Mississippi River, the Jolly Green Giant, the Kensington Rune Stone, the Spam Museum, Bob Dyan’s teenage home and the World’s Biggest Boot (right here in Red Wing). There are also five tiny churches, none of which can fit more than 10 people. Who knew?

Sharing Our Treasures

The country should be arriving in droves to experience those treasures of ours, right? Hey, we even have cross-country skiing and snow shoeing, real crowd-pleasers. We heavily promote hunting, fishing, boating and camping. Since those activities take planning, the riffraff is unlikely to partake. But we need to be careful or tourists might discover that we have electricity, running water, internet access and paved roads (mostly).

There probably wouldn’t be much interest in our pro sports teams unless their teams were playing them. Our pro teams are supposed to put us on the national map. And they do. Just look at the Lynx. But mostly, a grateful nation thanks us for providing placeholder teams in the standings and for providing career days for many of their players. It’s like the New York Generals playing the Harlem Globetrotters. You always know who’s going to win.

We know the first thing people think of when they hear “Minnesota,” is our cold weather. Some probably think we’re really a province of Canada. Many Minnesotans are happy to let the rest of the world think we live on a desolate patch of permafrost.

“I like the cold weather, it keeps the bad people away,” Prince apparently said, explaining why he still lived here as he became famous. It’s our secret that much of the year is tolerable. So don’t tell anyone.

States that are always in the news are constantly scrutinized. Minnesotans don’t seek that attention. That just increases the expectations of us. So, to avoid it, we don’t brag much.

We’re Shy, Not Lonely

There’s a concern these days of too much loneliness everywhere. Some here would argue that while we have loneliness, we handle it better. We’ve learned this from our Norwegian bachelor farmers. They’re not lonely. They’re just shy. Go ahead and ask them. If they don’t reply, you’ll have your answer. But don’t pester them. Maybe that’s one reason Governor Walz says, “Mind your own damn business.”

Maybe Minnesota should take advantage of the attention and promote itself more. One report suggested that Minnesota could become a haven for those overheated by climate change.

We could promote the many festivals held around the state each year including some from our area such as the Kellogg Watermelon Festival, Water Ski Days, Pine Island Cheese Festival, Defeat of Jessie James Days and our very own River City Days. What out-of-staters wouldn’t want to attend at least one of these?

We need to be able to answer questions about our state and defend it’s integrity. We’re sure to get questions about our Gopher State nickname, plaid shirts, Babe the Blue Ox, eelpout, taconite, smelt, lutefisk, hot dish and what it feels like at 30 below.

As a kid, I remember the attention Minnesota got when Hubert Humphrey and Walter Mondale were vice presidents and then ran losing campaigns for president. The attention quickly dissipated as they became footnotes to national history.

What would happen to our state if, heaven forbid, someone from Minnesota was ever elected president?

Maybe our sport teams would play better.