Checking Out

The checkout line was slower than usual.  I looked ahead and noticed an elderly lady trying to use her credit card.  She obviously had never used the latest credit card reader.  She was told to push it into the slot.

“What slot?” she asked.  After some kind help from the cashier, she figured it out.  She also needed help signing her name, which she did very carefully so they would know it was really her.  People in line were slowly shaking their heads in dismay.

I felt sorry for her.  Checking out at stores has become embarrassingly challenging.  The whole process seems to change frequently.  Even the internet doesn’t seem to have any useful training on the subject.  How, then, can anyone be expected to know the proper procedures?

Using my vast experience with this, I came up with some efficiency tips to use as you approach most checkout counters:

• There might be 30 counters.  Look for the one or two that are open (light on).  Quickly scan for the shortest line and race to it, trying not to hit anyone.
• Avert your eyes from the impulse items.  You don’t need any more M&M’s or a comb.
• Pick a charge card from that deck of little clear plastic sleeves in your wallet.  Determine if it is a debit or credit card.  Have any required PIN number memorized.  You know, it’s that same four-digit number you use for everything.
• Find your reward card (with the points you forget to use before they expire).
• Pull out those coupons that expire today and hold onto them so they don’t blow away.  That’s what happened to your shopping list just after you got a cart, didn’t it?
• Place all small items on the conveyor belt.  Your large items such as dog food and cat litter can stay in the cart but heft them around so the bar code is visible to the cashier.
• Once your items are scanned, race to the credit card reader and insert your card with the little chip side first.
• The screen will say “Do Not Remove Card”.  Wait.  
• Wait some more.
• The instant the “Remove Card” statement appears, remove your card as fast as you can to limit the time the annoying staccato warning horn plays.
• When the signature line appears, grab the magic pencil, count to two to let it wake up, then sign your name.  Scribbling is acceptable and pretty much unavoidable.
• Click Done (not Clear or you will sign again).
• Grab your receipt.
• Place your purchases in a bag at the end of the counter and – very important – place the bag in your cart.  Remember, you came here to buy something.
• Carefully push your cart to an open area to put away your cards and receipt, and to find your keys.  Think carefully about anything you forgot to buy.  You might get to do this again.

Bonus tip: next time just pay with cash.