A Hearty Welcome to Minnesota

You say you just moved to Minnesota? Well, welcome! Uffda, I bet you must have questions.

Like, maybe, who was Paul Bunyan? Where does the Mississippi River start? Are there really 10,000 lakes? What is lutefisk? Why do Minnesota pro men’s teams always choke? I’ll get to the answers eventually but first things first.

Yes, there really is such a thing as Minnesota Nice. It’s what I’m doing right now. But it only goes about an inch deep. To get to really know us, you have to earn it by surviving here at least a full year straight through. You can only do that if you pay attention and ask a lot of questions. Remember, though, I’m just providing the basics from my own lifetime of experiences here.

Right away you’ll notice how busy we are. That’s because we’re always getting ready for something, especially the next season. The most important survival skill is to always monitor the weather. You could be in shorts one day and shoveling snow the next.

The most important season is fall. That’s because, in Minnesota, it takes a whole season to prep for winter. Some Minnesotans close up their cabins on Labor Day. But they’re fair weather Minnesotans, probably from Iowa.

Follow the Signs

Real Minnesotans watch for the usual signs of impending winter. Like a pickup towing a pontoon heading south meeting another one pulling snowmobiles heading north. You should really be ready for winter before you see your first dead deer of the season tied to the roof of a car.

It’s very important so stay on top of things. You might need to rake your yard two or three times as the leaves fall, just in case it suddenly snows a foot. You do not want to have lots of wet leaves buried under snow. We diligently watch for the first real freeze that knocks down all of the remaining leaves (except for those pesky oak leaves). Make sure your outside water faucets and hoses are drained. You won’t be using them in the winter.

A Minnesota weather calendar can help you learn about our climate but it’s mainly historical so doesn’t say when the first snow will arrive this year. So, warm clothes must always be within reach. And boots. The right boots can be toe-savers. You will soon understand the importance of words like Thinsulate and Gortex.

There was a time when, if you didn’t prepare properly, you could die. OK, it’s not that bad now. You’ll probably make it. Many have. Once you get the house and yard buttoned up, you can locate the good shovel and make sure your snowblower starts. Then you can relax and wait for snow.

Once winter arrives, you’ll enjoy the little things. I smile when I look out the window at three feet of snow in January when it’s -20, knowing that I raked up every last leaf before the first snow. You’ll appreciate the fact that there are no bugs in winter and you sleep better because it’s always dark.

Trivial Pursuit

There is no state test for new residents. However, to be considered a full Minnesotan, you should know the answers to some common questions about the state. Just ask. We’ll even help you look it up.

So, who was Paul Bunyan? A huge lumberjack who had a giant blue ox who was a babe. I think they vanished when the chainsaw was invented.

The Mississippi River starts way up north somewhere as part of Lake Itasca. All I know is that the river runs right by our city, putting us on the map. There are lakes everywhere. The last official count was 11,842. You could look it up.

Lutefisk is a specially prepared Norwegian fish delicacy, also known as “the piece of cod which passeth all understanding.” It’s probably long gone from menus in Norway.

Why do Minnesota pro men’s teams always choke? I have always suspected that it’s fixed and our Minnesota Nice veneer prevents most of us from admitting that we’ve been duped. Or else the Almighty is strongly suggesting that we get back to preparing for the next season. Just as the teams are always doing. If you want to watch winning teams, watch women’s sports.

There’s so much more to tell you and I haven’t even gotten to spring and summer. Just ask any Minnesotan when the time comes.

Be prepared for anything and you’ll do well here. We’re all in this together.