It’s Winter Knee Replacement Season

I’m getting a new right knee.

Actually, by the time you read this I should already have it. I’m writing this ahead of time, so I have no idea how it went. I just hope this column and my obituary aren’t both in the same edition.

I’m not worried, though. It can’t be any worse than past repairs to my beat-up shoulders and a fractured wrist.

I had no idea what was involved in a total knee replacement. Watching a few YouTube videos fixed that. One showed a doctor demonstrating the procedure on a mock-up knee that made it look like he does it every day. Because he probably does. Another showed an actual operation. Ouch. Glad I’ll be out.

I think I was most stunned by the detailed steps they take in the procedure, sculpting the knee like it was an ice carving to make sure the replacement parts match up perfectly. The surgery is offered two ways – the standard manual way and a newer computer-assisted way. I chose the standard way mostly because I could schedule it sooner.

Damage is as Damage Does

How did I do so much damage to myself? I guess I earned it. My shoulders were likely damaged from the years I heated my previous house with wood. I now know that cutting, hauling and stacking wood is not good for shoulders. The doctor said I had the shoulders of an 85-year-old. I was in my 50s.

My wrist was broken when I slipped on ice walking to work. I knew it was dangerous out there but I’m a Minnesotan of Norwegian heritage so am not allowed to be afraid of any weather conditions. I learned the hard way not to plant my hand down when falling. It broke both my fall and my wrist.

Surprisingly, in my youth I had many injuries but no broken bones. Mostly just a lot of scrapes, cuts and pulled muscles. If you think back, wasn’t there always some neighborhood kid wearing a cast, or a big Band-Aid over a knee, or sporting a mysterious back eye?

My knee problem likely developed from running on the hard roadway, especially cement, between the YMCA and Pottery Pond. I have used pull-on knee supports and pain gels. I have had several injections of the lubricant hyaluronic acid, also known as “rooster juice” since it used to be harvested from rooster combs.

I try not to talk much about medical issues and here I am, doing that exact thing, even talking about a procedure I haven’t had yet. Well, what else do people my age have to talk about? Politics? I’m guilty of comparing ailments but am consciously trying not to. Part of that conditioning is to not use trigger words or phrases like “how are you?” in phone calls. Even an unintentional sigh could steer the conversation for the next hour to a litany of maladies, each with its own side story.

The Malady Hour

My mom always answered the rotary kitchen wall phone standing up. If she sat down, you knew it would be another “malady hour.” She was pretty good about not starting those never-ending discussions but too polite not to play the role of empath.

It looks like I’m almost late to the knee surgery game. Most of the 790,000 patients each year are younger than 70, although one report recommended having the surgery between 70 and 80, maybe because by then you’ll wear out before the knee does.

Knee replacements were uncommon as recently as the 1980s. I remember relatives in their 50s already using canes and struggling with stairs. Back then knee replacement was still risky, too expensive or not even available. I’ve already heard plenty of stories of failed knee replacements.

As with any surgery, there’s a lot of important prep work. Do you have a walker, crutches and cane? Do you have someone to drive you and to act as caretaker? Have you set up your house so you can avoid stairs and get around with a walker?

My mother-in-law had both knees replaced. When she first met with the surgeon, she was complaining that both knees hurt, especially the left one. The doctor examined the X-rays.

“I agree. Your left knee should be replaced. But your right knee is worse. We’ll do that one first.”

It’s all about quality of life. I don’t want to limp around for the rest of it. Some people might use a bad knee as an excuse to stop doing things they don’t like to do, such as yard work. I don’t care for yard work either but will gladly do it if my knee doesn’t hurt.

I’ll be stuck in the house for awhile and won’t be able to drive my new electric car. But it’s mid-winter so I’m not missing much else. Catherine is praying it doesn’t snow.

My left knee is just fine yet. I hope it’s paying attention.