Finding Your Path Up Support Mountain

Hello. I’m the product support representative you’ve been trying to reach for the past hour.

You don’t know if I’m a man or woman. As a woman, my real name might be Bimala Kapoor but to you I’m Tonya Lair. If I’m a man, my real name might be Emmett Willoughby but to you I’m Asher Jaxon. Cool huh?

What do I look like? What do I support? Really, does it matter? You just want information from the guru on top of the mountain. Support personnel are pretty generic now no matter what we’re supporting. Unless you and I are actually talking to each other, you’d probably not know if I were a man or woman, how old I am, my location or my race. These days I’m probably taking calls from home. You might hear my dog and kids in the background.

There are many ways to reach the top of the support mountain. You probably tried climbing it multiple times, each time following a different path. These paths include phone, email, text message or chat. Sometimes you can even leave a phone message which will most assuredly be answered within a week.

If you called the support line, you undoubtedly were asked to answer questions from a prerecorded auto attendant. First, though, you hear some version of “Para español, oprima dos. (pause) Please listen carefully as our instructions have changed. This call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance and training purposes.” People behave better when they know they are being recorded.

You are then asked to answer multiple questions involving punching a lot of phone buttons or saying the answer. This is, of course, to sort callers more efficiently based on their needs. The spoken answers are usually simple such as “yes,” “no,” “sales,” and “support.” If you choose sales, you get a person right away. If you chose support, you wait and listen to elevator music. Always. You will likely be told what your place is in line: “There are currently (pause) 12 callers (pause) ahead of you. Your estimated wait time is (pause) 23 minutes.”

Should you wait or hang up and call later? Later, there could be 48 callers ahead of you with a wait time of more than an hour. Or you might call after the call center is closed for the day. Remember to compare your time zone with theirs. Some of the nicer services allow you to wait without the music. But there will always be a recording played about every 15 seconds thanking you for your patience “as our staff is currently helping others.” Use your phone’s speaker option and work on a jigsaw puzzle while you wait.

I get paid the same no matter how many people I help each day so I’m not in a hurry to get to you. I have nothing against you. I have no idea who you are or what your problem is. It’s just a lot of work politely reading the manual to people my entire shift. And remember, depending on where I am, I might be working nights to answer your day call.

Some of us even take support calls for multiple disparate products. I might answer a question on turkey basting one minute and the next minute describe how to program a remote. I get paid more for being versatile. I just need to pay attention to which phone line is active.

If you are patient enough, you will eventually get to talk to me. To save yourself time, be prepared with your questions. Have them written down. And have every scrap of information available in case I ask for it. This might include product name, model, serial number, where you bought it and what you are using it for. You’d be surprised how many people use flashlights to pound nails. If I’m in a good mood and want to waste even more time, I’ll ask about the weather in your area. So know that, too.

While I’m not in a hurry, I don’t need to know that you are calling for your dear grandmother. I know it’s you who has the problem. And, really, it doesn’t matter. The answers are always the same. If you can’t figure out how to install “that toilet flusher thingy,” just say so. I’ll know what you mean. Believe me, I’ve heard it before. I won’t laugh out loud. 

Many products shipped today include just the wordless, pictures-only quick reference guide. This is so everyone around the world can understand it. If you have further questions, I suggest you download the three-gigabyte user guide from our website.

While I can usually answer your questions, I am not the designer of the product. So I’m not interested in your suggestions to make it better. Send a letter directly to the company for that. I’m sure they’ll get back to you real soon.

Please don’t insist on returning the product because you “still don’t get it.” Returns are not my problem. Take it back to the place you bought it. They’ll provide you with friendly service because we only allow the nicest stores to sell our products.

Just one more thing. Be sure to answer the survey at the end of our conversation or in any of the several follow-up emails you’ll receive. Please give me the highest rating possible.

This makes me and my boss very happy.